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How to Suck at Sales

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There are millions of books and podcasts and training manuals at your disposal that will teach you how to be the best salesperson you can be. They will cover all the basics, let you in on industry secrets, and offer you tried and true tips from the best of the best in the world of sales.

However, what you won't find on your neighborhood bookstore's shelves are hundreds of books telling you how to be a bad salesperson, and with that in mind, I have taken on this task myself.

First things first: If you want to be a truly horrible salesperson, you need a couple of cheap suits and some even cheaper cologne. If you are a man, make sure the pants of your suit are too short, and make sure you wear white socks that peek out from under your suit when you walk quickly or when you cross your legs. Next, you need to make sure your belt does not match your shoes. If it does, people will be more likely to take you seriously, and you don't want that.

If you are a woman, your suit should be a solid, bright, basic color—try fuchsia or teal—and you should wear pumps with huge, chunky heels. To top things off, you want to smell like a million bucks. In order to achieve this, you need to put on a lot of cologne or perfume, and not that nice, expensive stuff. The cheap stuff will do fine. After all, you don't want to waste all of your commission on it, do you?

After you've got your look covered, you'll want to move on to your presentation. If you want to be a really, really bad salesperson, you need to invade your client's personal space. Get in there, and get personal.

When you first meet your client, give him a big bear hug. Squeeze him the way you would your Aunt Betty. When he says something funny, give him a slap on the back to let him know his humor is appreciated.

When you're ready to go in for your closing in order to seal the deal, place a hand on his leg and look deep into his eyes. This will send the message that you really care about him and his well-being. If he does, in fact, buy whatever you are selling, jump up and plant a big wet one on his cheek. If he does not, spit in his soda and move on. He'll deserve it for wasting your time.

Also, you should speak loudly. Speaking loudly communicates enthusiasm, and you want to seem enthusiastic about your product. If your client asks you to lower your voice, get louder! That's when you'll know he's standing right on the edge of giving in to your contagious energy.

You can also try opening your eyes extremely wide during your sales pitch and nodding your head regularly. These are other ways of showing your client that you are pumped up and excited about your product. If you feel comfortable enough in the situation, you can even try letting out a little "whoop!" after each mention of your product's name. You can make it a game and get your client in on it, too.

If your particular profession involves cold calling, I have some specific tips for you on how to be the worst salesperson on the face of the earth. When you get hung up on, which happens every day, don't just lie down and take the rejection; call the person back!

That's right. Call her back and let her know just how rude it is to hang up on someone. Explain to her that you are a real person with feelings. Call her every four-letter word you know, and make her wish she had never hung up on you. When she apologizes, take advantage of her guilt by launching into your sales pitch once more. If she hangs up yet again, repeat the process until you either land the sale or get arrested for stalking.

In the world of sales, there are many who boast about being the best. Why not boast about being the worst? By following these simple tips, you'll be able to brag about being a bad salesperson in no time. Best of luck!
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